"It's a busy life being a masculine role model such as myself,
but I do take time out to have a holiday now and then."
"And Australia is a good place for a holiday. It's a fascinating country - a land of paradoxes!"
"For instance, the world-famous Sydney Opera House, which is actually not primarily an opera venue..."
"Or the Sydney Harbour Bridge, which looks glorious from a distance..."
"But is somewhat oppressive to stand on, what with the surveillance cameras, security guards, barbed wire, and the big safety fence arching over your head, all of which
are designed to deter not only terrorists, but also suicidal bridge jumpers."
"Australia is a country full of REAL men; in fact it is a land where the men are so hard
that they think Bruce Willis is a..."
"But they're a friendly bunch - it looks like they knew I was coming!"
"And they have everything to make a guy like me feel right at home!"
"However, don't go thinking that $4.00 Vienna schnitzels
are the only culinary delights on offer in Australia!"
"Scalliwag biscuits are my favourite!"
"And just remember, Australia is a modern, tolerant land of racial harmony,
which is why these tasty little suckers don't look anything at all like Golliwogs!"
"But perhaps the greatest Aussie delicacy, the most closely guarded secret of all,
are Musk Flavoured Sticks!"
"The first time I saw them, I wasn't sure whether you were meant to eat them,
or rub them under your armpits to attract fillies!"
"It's true that they are an acquired taste, but I'm man enough to take on the challenge!"
"Nothing to it!"
"No, honestly, I'm fine!"
"At Taronga Zoo, I saw all sorts of exotic wildlife..."
"... And revealed the missing link in the evolutionary chain!"
"Luna Park was a fun place to visit!"
"Until I saw the senseless oppression of brother equines, slaves to a machine for human enjoyment!"
"Usually, I have to drink at least six Brazilian beers before things start looking like this!"
"And wouldn't you know it - that damned mouse is here too!"
"Maybe I won't go in - it would just ruin my holiday."
"Better to take time out to enjoy one of Australia's pristine beaches, unspoilt by the hand of man."
"But if you are thinking of going in the water,
it's not just the sharks that you have to worry about..."
"And finally, when you are at the beach in Australia, try to stay upwind from the nickel smelters, steel mills and oil refineries!"
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